television

The Bachelorette Season 11, Episode 1, Part 1: Recap

SPOILERS AHEAD:

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, but I have a good excuse: I’m a poor college student. It’s not easy to experiment with crafts and recipes on a budget. Well, maybe it, but this isn’t a super-saver, life on a budget blog. So I’m going to write about something free – reality television. Specifically, the train wreck that is The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. I love it, I really do, and that is why I can poke fun. So, without further ado, part one of the two-night premiere of The Bachelorette Season 11.
A first in Bachelorette history, this season starts with two girls vying for the love of 25 men. We have Kaitlyn, the down-to-earth girl who relies on her sense of humor before she lets her guard down and gets to know someone, and Britt, the whirlwind of emotions who falls hard and fast. I do not like Britt. I think most of America is with me on this one. Only one girl will make it past the premiere, and I think it’s quite obviously who that will be. The Bachelorette was rumored to be Kaitlyn all along. Britt was added rather suddenly to the surprise of everyone. It’s a producer ploy for ratings. It’s entertaining for one night, but I’m glad it’s not the entire season. That being said…
Britt should not have so much faith from the get-go. These men have probably seen you last season, and they have seen how you act. Britt, this is not a good thing for you. You are pretty, but you are crazy. I think they showed so many men going to Britt out of the limo to make her inevitable departure that much more dramatic. Right now, though, this is what Britt looks like:    tumblr_m6c6xv9aPB1rwnpavo1_500

Kaitlyn seems nervous, but still hopeful. She looks like Anastasia at the ballet in her blue sparkly dress. Last season I was not a fan of Kaitlyn. If you’re on The Bachelor to find your husband, I don’t think a dirty joke as your first impression is the right move. She is redeeming herself, though. It might mostly be because she is up against Britt. Have I mentioned that I don’t like Britt?1288954_1381218923481_full1 Since it is the first night and there has yet to be a rose ceremony, the guys were kind of hard to keep track of. I did my best, and here is what I think:
Ben H – I loved the conversation he had with Kaitlyn. Kudos to Ben H. for asking about her tattoos. He seems sweet.
Ben Z – Obligatory personal trainer. Obligatory orphan. Every season needs a sob story (or 4) and from the looks of it, Ben Z. is gunning for that title.
Bradley – I’m sorry, who? He must have had a boring introduction. This could work in his favor later.
Brady – Brady is a singer/songwriter. The first we saw of him was he and his guitar, strumming away wistfully. Please please please serenade us weekly, Brady. And tell us that we are beautiful on the inside.
Chris – You’re a dentist. Why did you drive a cupcake? Especially a cupcake with candy corn on it. Gross. I’m not impressed. He seemed really nice though when he was talking to Kaitlyn at the cocktail party.
Clint – I’ve heard that Clint will be the douchebag this season. I really did like his drawing of Chris Harrison though.
Corey – He used Kaitlyn’s plow joke back on her. It would have worked better if he was a farmer, but I’ll let it slide.
Cory – Wow. Cory. You look good.
Daniel – Alright, he’s a fashion designer. I didn’t catch anything that memorable about it.
David – Another forgettable guy, unfortunately. Come on, people! Be creative. Prove to us why you deserve to be here.
Ian – You go, Ian! You’re an inspiration to us all. And good pick with Kaitlyn. I think he’s a gentleman, but he needs an iron. His suit is wrinkly!
Jared – Jared told us that he is “still single because I know what I want.” Ehhh, I think it’s because you’re super creep, bro. I get some serious stalker vibes from him. He thinks he is a superhero named Love-Man and he was shown walking around in the snow in a short sleeve shirt. Put a jacket on, Jared. You’re a superhero, the last thing you need is pneumonia.
JJ – I’m not interested in JJ unless he is a pantsapreneur. You must prove yourself, JJ.
Joe – Hello Joe. Can you please bring me some homemade Moonshine? Kaitlyn seems to like Joe quite a bit.
Jonathan – Jonathan likes both girls so much that he wants to move to Utah and marry them both. Jonathan is stupid and has no knowledge of polygamy laws.
Josh – The law student/stripper. What a combo!
Joshua – This guy is adorable! He’s a cute small town boy who made a welded rose for the girls. He looks a bit like Travis Stork, but less hot. I mean, HELLO!

ask_travis_six_pack_absJustin – I’m not into balloons, so I didn’t dig his introduction. But I like his tie.
Kupah – What? No. He seems like a major jerk.
Ryan B – Ryan B. Called Kaitlyn a Disney Princess. He was really close, but actually Anastasia isn’t a Disney movie soooo.
Ryan M – Oooh…we’ll get to Ryan M. later.
Shawn B – Another personal trainer. He got out of the limo, lifted Britt up and talked to her, then went over to Kaitlyn and said she’s the reason he is here. Uhhh, what? RED FLAG! He has great chemistry with Kaitlyn, but I can’t get over how he introduced himself to Britt.
Shawn E – This man has a hot tub car. If he does not win there is no justice in this world. Except the fact that now he is all wet for the rest of the evening. It is worth noting that he’s also a professional sex coach. Classic Bachelorette career.
Tanner – Cute. A little forgettable, but cute. He brought Britt tissues which would be nice but it means he knows how she acts and is still interested. Something must be wrong with him.
Tony – Oh Tony. You producer pick, you. I want to see more of Tony. Britt was upset that Tony was saying the same things to her as he was to Kaitlyn which just reinforces how unstable Britt is. Really? Are you that upset that you might not get Tony. He’s a nutcase! He showed up with a black eye and absolutely no explanation! Tony is a healer and looks like Jared Padalecki and Matthew McConaughey’s love child.

So about Ryan M… This guy messed up. He got plastered before all of the men had even arrived and was loud, belligerent, and a little inappropriate. Chris Harrison saved the dayryan-miller-bachelorette and sent him home. In Ryan’s defense, however, this first cocktail party is a looooong night. They start the introductions late into the evening and obviously they last longer than what we see on screen. These men are sitting there for hours with an open bar. It’s a miracle that all of them aren’t hammered! That being said, Ryan M. still could have made a better decision with his night. He should have taken a page out of another Ryan M.’s book and made the most of his short stint on The Bachelorette.
After two hours of awkward introductions and hopelessly trying to have a conversation with a drunken man, we finally find out who our Bachelorette will be. Just kidding! That’s for tonight. Of course they are stretching this out over two nights. IT’S THE BIGGEST TWIST IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY, PEOPLE.

Who’s Gonna Last? (My predictions, not spoilers.)

Ben H.
Chris
Joshua
Shawn B.
Ian

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