television

I’m Not Here To Make Friends

SPOILERS, YO

Week Two of The Bachelorette started with Chris talking to Kaitlyn about the journey ahead of her. Kaitlyn was a sweetheart and again said she hoped that Britt was okay. I’m glad someone cares about Britt because I don’t. Speaking of her, let’s just get this Britt/Brady stuff out of the way. Britt is in her hotel room talking to her mother on the phone, crying, and wearing a lot of camo. She says she isn’t ready to go home, which is weird because she should know if she is headed anywhere it is to Bachelor In Paradise, not home. Brady (who looks like Jimmy Fallon doing an impression of an awkward white guy who dresses like Kanye West) knocks on her door and Britt knows exactly whats up. Throughout the episode we see them together frolicking around California and eating ice cream and being annoying. Finally, Britt declares to the world that Brady is her boyfriend. I hope this lasts and we never hear from them again. Moving on…ht_britt_brady_kab_150527_16x9_992

Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H., Ben Z. are chosen for the first group date where they will be punching each other in the face! No really! Layla Ali is there giving them boxing lessons and later they will go head-to-head and fight for Kaitlyn’s love. I learned a few things from this group date: The H in Ben H. stands for hot, Kupah is more interested in boxing than he is in finding a wife, and Jared will stop at nothing to win Kaitlyn over. No seriously, homeboy fought Ben Z. (a personal trainer, don’t forget) and got a concussion and wasn’t able to attend the rest of the date. It worked for him though, because he was able to have Kaitlyn sneak away from the date for a few minutes so he could make out with her. I’m not too sure what she sees in Jared. Personally, I see this:Bohumil_Kubišta_-_Portrait_of_a_Man

After dinner Ben Z. tells Kaitlyn about his mother’s death because he wants the group date rose to gain her trust and open up to her. It worked for him, but it may have been smarter to save the11288041_441721336000292_969536130_n dead mother card for later in the season. When the men get back to the house, Tony informs them that he does not want to beat someone’s ass to find love. Is this a clue to why he has a black eye? Anyway, he continues talking about God knows what and finishes by saying, “love is as perennial as the grass.” If anyone has Tony’s contact information please send it to me. I want him to be a speaker at my wedding. It is also worth noting that Tony accidentally called Kaitlyn Britt this week.Screen Shot 2015-05-25 at 9.52.54 PM

Clint gets the one-on-one date where he and Kaitlyn will be doing an underwater photoshoot. These photoshoots are apparently all the rage and everyone is doing them for their engagement photos. Do I live under a rock or am I just not friends with enough underwater engaged couples on Facebook? Clint looks good. Clint is a romance novel cover. Side note – I would LOVE to see another romance novel photoshoot is this man is the next Bachelor. Anyway, Clint and Kaitlyn seem to have a natural chemistry together. They took gorgeous pictures and didn’t stop macking when photoshoot was over. Clint obviously got the one-on-one date rose and I wouldn’t doubt if it was solely because of his outfit. Men, take note. He looked fantastic. the-bachelorette-recap-kaitlyn-clint-date

The second group date is JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris Cupcake, Ian, Joe, and Tony. JJ is maybe the worst person on the earth. He is incredibly cocky and does not hold back on saying amy-schumer-chris-bachelorette-lghow confident he is in this game journey to find love. On this date, the men are counseled by Amy Schumer and friends on how to perform stand-up comedy. I could hardly watch this trainwreck. The best part about this entire date was when Amy said that she hopes JJ realizes what a turd he is when he watches this show back. We can only hope, girl! Tony performs stand-up in his own way…so he gets up there and gives a glorified acceptance speech. I guess that’s what you get when you “cut loose and just be Tony.” Ian did a nice job, he is humble and funny. Joshua was perfect and funny and also perfect. Cupcake is wearing a pastel shirt and is pretty funny, but clearly nervous. I think he really likes Kaitlyn and it’s adorable. JJ gets up and bashes Tony and talks about how he is such a catch, being a divorced father living in his parents basement…

Wipe that stupid grin off of your face, jerk.
Wipe that stupid grin off of your face, jerk.

There is no place JJ would rather be, which is too bad because I want him anywhere else but here. His cockiness got him the other group date rose and that is a big bummer. Joe was disappointed that he didn’t get a rose. He and Kaitlyn shared quite the intimate moment that ended with Joe saying, “well I’ll be” in his adorable accent, making her swoooooooon. She made the wrong decision with that date rose. At the cocktail party, JJ takes Kaitlyn away to talk even though he already has a rose. Dick move, JJ. He is actually more like he wants to win a competition, and less like he actually likes her. The guys are not happy with him, understandably. Joshua finds JJ selfish. (I find Joshua perfect.) But hey, JJ didn’t come here to make friends. Actually bro, that’s exactly what you are trying to do. You are trying to make a best friend for life and wife her up. Ian tells Kaitlyn about his car accident and his will to go on, another sob story for a rose is what I see.

Kaitlyn called Kupah out for not noticing her on the date, but his excuse was that he wasn’t into boxing at all…what? Go home, soul patch.  Kupah then thinks it’s a great idea to rant loudly to the other guys and Kaitlyn immediately sends him home for being a douche. I called it. He’s a jerk! You go, girl!

“I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot, you’re sexy.”
“Okay well there’s more to me than that.”

YES GIRL! Kupah is goes craaaaazy during his exit interview and because of it WE DON’T GET A ROSE CEREMONY. This truly may be the most dramatic season yet!

Who’s Gonna Last? (My predictions, not spoilers.)url

Ben H.
Chris
Joshua
Shawn B.
Ian

Lastly, if anyone wants to buy me this shirt I wouldn’t object. Thanks in advance!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s