television

I’m Here To Make Friends

Episode three starts where episode two left off. Closing things with a rose ceremony and a toast is overrated.

Kupah is in the middle of his breakdown so it’s Kaitlyn to the rescue! Good for her. She seems so real and down-to-earth. I hope she stays that way. I hate that Kupah acts so differently around Kaitlyn. He’s is a jerk and he’s going home and I get to be done talking about him! I wish they would have shown less of him and not given him the glory. When we finally get to a cocktail party, roses go to Jared, Ben Z., Ben H., Justin, Jonathan, Tanner, Chris, Ryan, Sean, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Corey, and…Tony. Tony sees the world through the eyes of a child. He has the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul. However, I no longer care about him and I want him to go away.

The men wake up the next morning to the heaviest Japanese person ever (not kidding!) banging a gong around their house. This man announces the group date- Clint, Tony, Joe, Chris, JJ, and Sean. The men will sumo wrestle and wear those lovely thong/diaper things (JJ asks for an extra large because he is king of the douchebags). Sorry ladies, all booties were blurred.  Of course he has to point out that Tony has no ass. He is always criticizing Tony. Is he really that much of a threat, JJ? Supposedly, there are a lot of similarities between sumo wrestling and football. Even still, I would have no desire to wrestle or play football with the heaviest Japanese man ever. Tony has previously stated that he doesn’t want to kick someone’s ass in the name of love; however, he tries to murder the sumo wrestler and giggles the whole time. Tony rants to Kaitlyn about how he hates violence and how all of the dates revolve around it. (Here’s an idea: go home!) He’s not interested in tapping into his primal instincts to find love, which explains why he is on The Bachelorette. Keep in mind, this whole scene is happening while half of the men are in their diapers. Of course, JJ steps in and tries to save the day – thankfully even Kaitlyn realizes he has overstepped his boundaries. Tony just needs to cool off and think about his bonsai tree. He’ll be okay. These Japanese men probably feel so awkward.

The second part of the date is a sumo-wrestling exhibition in front of many uncomfortable people. Surprise, surprise, Tony is not in attendance. Kaitlyn is though, and she is wearing a kick-ass kimono. JJ and Joe are first to fight. Of course JJ was over confident, but Joe immediately won because of his Southern charm and sexy hair. Clint is next to fight Joe. Clint was a wrestler and he won the whole exhibition, probably hurting every bachelor in the process. Back at home, Tony packs up his bags and leaves. Bye! Something tells me we haven’t seen the last of him though…Anyway, the dinner seems tense and awkward. Clint is determined to have Kaitlyn approach him, rather than make any effort with her tonight. Kaitlyn is disappointed and Clint is confused. This is the difference between men and women. Tonight’s date rose goes to Sean. Good for Sean! CGdGW5NUcAAfFyd

Ben Z. gets the one-on-one date this week. Both he and Kaitlyn don’t know what is going on for this date. Chris Harrison planned it, so it should be perfect because he is perfect. The date is essentially the two of them locked in a dark room, having to work together to solve clues and escape. There are birds, though, which seem to be Kaitlyn’s greatest fear. Ben Z. is doing a lovely job of comforting her, though.  Ben Z. protected Kaitlyn and got her out of the creepy labyrinth safely, and obviously got a rose. I like Ben Z. He’s a good egg.

The second group date this week has Jonathan, Tanner, Joshua, Ben H., and Ryan. The boys will be teaching sex-ed to children. What? Did their parents sign off on this?! Oh that’s right, these kids are 100% absolutely paid actors. Ryan decided to explain the clitoris (and why they want to know how to find it) to fifth graders and the “teacher” applauded him. Cutie Pie Joshua tells the girls that their uterine lining will die and fall out once a month. This is going incredibly well. Ben H. easily had the best lesson, teaching the kiddos about the reproductive system by using Kaitlyn, himself, and some strategic post-it notes.CGdbKZTUkAA3ESX

While the others are off on the date, Clint and JJ talk about how they weren’t picked for the date because they are too smart and intimidating. Ummm, no. You weren’t picked because you were both on the last date and you, JJ, are a jerk. The gay rumors from the promo have begun, but they are in no way the main focus of the episode. Back at dinner on the group date, Ben H. is still the shining star. He is making me feel super lonely as I watch tonight. Kaitlyn misses Jared’s black eye and wants to punch him again so he always has it. Yikes! I think she really misses Tony. Ben H. obviously got the second group date rose. He’s a charmer!Screen Shot 2015-06-02 at 5.42.35 PM

Clint is the first person to take Kaitlyn aside at the cocktail party. He still seems very into Kaitlyn, but in his testimonial he said he’s not. I understand those “douchebag of the house” rumors now. JJ and Clint are really proud of their villain status in the house. It’s not even fun to watch at this point, it’s just irritating. Because of this lovely drama between these boys, we have another episode without a rose ceremony. I’m getting real sick of your shit, ABC. So we have that to look forward to for next week, as well as the return of Nick. Ugh. I got sick in the middle of this episode and it’s probably something that I ate, but it’s also very possible that Nick makes me nauseas.

Who’s Gonna Last? (My predictions, not spoilers.)

Ben H.
Cupcake
Joshua
Shawn B.
Ian

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