Welcome, welcome! Do you believe that it’s already late May and it’s time once again to tune in for Bachelor Nation? I am so excited for this season. I see much more potential here than I did for the last installment of The Bachelorette. JoJo doesn’t irritate me nearly as much as Kaitlyn did (yet). Plus Nick Viall isn’t on this season (yet). I’m ready. Are you? Let’s dig in.
Last night was the first episode of what is sure to be the most dramatic season in Bachelorette history. The preview promised (keep in mind that these promises are easily broken) threats, fights, blood, sweat, and tears. But for now, let’s meet our eligible bachelors. After meeting a multitude of men, JoJo handed out roses to the following:
Jordan: The recipient of the first impression rose- a sad former football player, brother of Aaron Rogers, and male model. Okay, I made the last bit up. Jordan is very cute though. I can see him being either the really nice guy or the villain. It’s too early to tell, but my money is probably on the latter given this Instagram post from his ex-girlfriend.
Luke: A cowboy and a military veteran who rode in on a unicorn named Coconut. JoJo seemed very impressed with him, but he also had a bit of an attitude. I’m not too sure about Luke yet.
Wells: A radio DJ, this guy brought along a quartet with him to serenade JoJo with…all night. It may have been a cute gimmick right out of the limo, but it was really awkward that they stuck around. The first thing that Wells said to JoJo was that she was way out of his league.
James Taylor: No, not THAT James Taylor. I wish. This one is dorky, nice, and plays the guitar. JoJo said that he was someone you would want to spend all day with. She did not say anything about the night.
Grant: He is a firefighter and he is not going to be like Ben and fall in love with two girls, he is just going to fall in love with JoJo. I mean…I would hope so, given the format of this show.
Derek: Channeling Jim Halpert, but not doing a good enough job to impress this John Krasinski fan. But keep trying, Derek!
Christian: The first sob story of the night came from him. His grandfather is racist and it’s been hard for him. He also loves his job as a businessman and working out. He arrived on a motorcycle.
Chad: I don’t trust him for a minute. He’s unenthusiastic in a creepy way. He works in real estate which is good for him and JoJo, but the preview leads me to believe that he is going to be trouble.
Chase: He wore glasses with a mustache attached to them and made an overused pun. Next. (I think this was him. Please correct me if I’m wrong!)
Alex: This marine is just trying to step out of his married twin brother’s shadow. I think he and JoJo will hit it off.
Robby: In true Fletcher family tradition, he brought JoJo a bottle of wine to drink out of. I thought it was cute and that he made a great first impression. The preview is telling me that maybe I shouldn’t be so impressed.
Brandon: He is the hipster. Cool occupation, huh? I’m sure he has a real job, much like the twins did, but for now his shining moment was looking into the camera and unenthusiastically saying, “daaaaamn Daniel.” More on that later.
James F.: Like no one else, James F. is here for a relationship, not a rose.
Ali: He was very nervous, but I can see him and JoJo getting along really well. He has a great smile and only slightly crazy eyes.
Saint Nick: Yeah…this dude showed up looking like Santa Claus and kept up the gimmick all night. The fact that I am writing about him right now bothers me because I think there could be enough drama without the producer picks. But who knows? Maybe
Saint Nick will surprise us!
Will: He tried really hard to make a joke about messing up his notecards and calling himself the most beautiful woman in the world, but it fell flat. He also kissed JoJo and she wasn’t really into it.
James S.: I hope this guy has a better occupation than simply Bachelor Superfan, but then again that sounds awesome. Who am I to judge?
Vinny: I think I missed the joke with his entrance. For some reason he had toast? I don’t know. What I do know is that he and another guy got really drunk and interrupted one of JoJo’s interviews. Vinny got the rose, the other guy didn’t. I thought the other guy was cuter, but to each her own.
Evan: All I know about Evan is that Daniel poked his bellybutton and he really, really did not like it. I can’t blame him.
Daniel: When your introduction starts with a reference to one of the most irritating internet memes ever, I’m already not a huge fan. JoJo didn’t seem to be either, as she had no idea what “daaaaamn JoJo” was referring to. He must have thought his chances of getting a rose were slim, but after getting hammered, ripping his clothes off, getting yelled at by JoJo, and jumping into the pool, Daniel still got a rose. Notice, however, that he is listed last. Much like how Olivia was so many times last season. Your Bachelor days are numbered, Daniel.
Other highlights from the night included a fake-out from Jake Pavelka (who was only there to offer JoJo some advice), the normal guys being embarrassed for the really drunk or gimmicky guys (still, keep in mind that this evening last from dusk till dawn. It’s a long night!), and the Week 1 cast-offs being really upset that
Saint Nick got a rose, and they didn’t. Oh well. Don’t let it stop you from trying again, boys. Except, maybe next time don’t have the first thing out of your mouth be about the size of your penis (cough cough, Jonathan with the kilt). As charming as that is…
Like I said before, the preview makes this season look like it’ll be a lot of fun. There are some really cool and some really weird dates. I am excited to see the one where JoJo is styled all vintage like with a cute dress, red lips, and curls. There also looks like there is going to be a lot for JoJo to kiss and tell about! The craziest thing to me is the fact that our next bachelor is in this group! Eek!
Who’s Gonna Last? (My predictions, not spoilers. I do NOT read spoilers. I had someone mention to me that they thought maybe I did after I said that Ben would leave Caila after the Fantasy Suite last season. That was merely a coincidence and me being awesome. Everything here is my own opinion, or the opinions of those who I watch with. Thanks, friends!)
*I will note that I had a hard time picking between Alex and Grant, but I’m going to take a leap of faith here.
So what do YOU think? Did the right guys get roses? Do they sell JoJo’s dress in my size? Has no one from Canada been to Texas, or is Daniel just weird? Who will get along best with JoJo’s brothers. Let me know in the comments!
Also, I have to include this Vine. I laughed so hard.