Hi there. I’m Ted. I’m Amelia’s boyfriend. I’m going to write this blog this week. I’ve never really seen The Bachelorette. Buckle up.
It’s hometown date week! Which is a very big deal on this show. It proves that these guys pretend-love this lady so much that they’re willing to show how disastrous their families are to the entire United States of America.
First up is Eric, who is from Baltimore! Charm City! The best city on the planet! I’m so excited about this. Here are some other fantastic things from Baltimore:
Anyway, he won’t shut up about murder and drugs, which, like any city, is an unfortunate reality; but maybe it isn’t something you bring up when you’re bringing a girl there for the first time? The first time I brought Amelia to Baltimore we went to Fell’s Point and looked at dogs. They play basketball, and we learn that Eric has never brought a girl home before or been in love. Which is totally okay, but it puts Rachel on the spot a bit. She’s nervous when she meets his family, and she asks if he’s ready for marriage. He’s on The Bachelorette, though, so I think he’s kind of stuck either way. Has anyone ever turned down the final rose and said like, “This show sucks, I’m not getting married, bye forever?” I’d watch that.
Bryan’s turn! He lives in Miami and hoooooly douchebag. The first thing we see is a weird gradient polo shirt that I don’t think has seen the light since an Incubus concert in 2005. He takes Rachel to a bar called Ball and Chain, which sends some pretty weird vibes right off that bat. He starts out this date by telling her why his last relationship didn’t work. Is that a regular thing? Like right away? Don’t threaten her, dude. Once they’re there, they salsa dance together. Reader’s note: I took salsa lessons in college for a few weeks. It must have worked for him, because they just end up making out on a public bench, which is just a little strange and gross. But hey, go for it. Amelia says she just doesn’t like Bryan, so I have to say that too.
There is now a commercial for The Descendants 2, which is clearly Oscar-bound.
Bryan brings Rachel home to his feisty mother and his father who looks sorta like Santana if you squint hard enough. Quick question about this show — why do they all need “How we met” stories? You met on a television show, just like the other million people on here. Whatever. Rachel says he’s “Honest, direct, self-aware, secure, and confident,” which is a roundabout way of telling Bryan’s mother that she just likes hooking up with him during all daylight hours.
Mama comes back with a direct threat! Cool! I can’t wait for the first contestant with mob ties.
Aaaaaand they’re making out on a bench again.
And by the limo.
When do they talk to each other?
Bryan drops “I’m in love with you” on the Love Bench™ and it leads to the worst silence I’ve ever experienced in my life. Rachel laughs, and that’s that.
Commercial time again. Is this narrator the same guy who does Wife Swap? I’ve been watching a lot of Wife Swap recently.
I’ve just been informed that it’s Chris Harrison.
“Idiot.” -My beautiful girlfriend
Peter’s up, so we’re off to Wisconsin. Amelia is absolutely in love with this guy, so I already hate him. Peter is ugly and stupid and smelly and awful and Wisconsin sucks and ugh. He’s friends with Costco-brand Ice Cube and LL Cool J and they all go out to a bar for drinks and talking. Guy time on this show always feels so forced and uncomfortable, but I guess it’s good for the show. And wait — they all just happen to be interracial couples. Not to assume anything, but this feels contrived. They walk around Madison in matching gray outfits and discuss the world and everything.
The first thing Peter tells his family when they get back is how he “accidentally” grabbed Rachel’s butt the first time they met. You know, normal son-and-mom conversation. Every family so far has mentioned how much chemistry their son had with Rachel, so someone is lying. I think it’s Bryan. But moving on! Peter’s mom just straight up says she doesn’t think he’s ready for marriage (Secretly racist mom? Maybe). Jokes aside, if Rachel doesn’t choose Peter she’s an idiot. He’s the most mature and least stupid of everyone. Also he’s hot.
DEAN! The episode isn’t even over and this guy doesn’t stand a chance at staying. His family hasn’t been all together in eight years, and he has a broken relationship with his dad. So the producers shove them all under the same roof for television and the laughs! I love it! If you’re the family though, why would you agree to do this? Anyway, after Dean’s mother passed away, his father became a practicing Sikh and his relationship with his son drifted. I feel kind of bad that the episode focused on how strange this dynamic is, but at the same time, Dean makes zero effort toward being a son. They meditate and his dad leads a gong immersion session. Rachel says all the right things but she’s so clearly uncomfortable the whole time. They eat mung beans and then Dean and dad fight. Dean is falling in love, Rachel has definitely made her choice.
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, which is a glorified Chris Harrison therapy session. He asks her what she’s going to do, and she just doesn’t know. She gets emotional, but there isn’t a doubt in my mind that she knew exactly who she was going to send home. Are you kidding? Dean’s date ended with cursing and awkward smiles.
It’s rose time. There’s a montage of men straightening their ties that goes on for just a little too long to not be weird. Rachel chooses Bryan, Eric, and Peter. Dean is SHOCKED. I am not. That’s the Bachelorette!
Who’s Gonna Last? (My predictions, not spoilers.)
So what did YOU think? How real was Dean’s hometown date? Have you ever been to Baltimore? Will all of these guys go to the fantasy suite? Let me know in the comments!